Good morning sweet Lou
by babri
Summary: Lou has to face the aftermath of Charlotte's death. Are her troubles over or she is just in for further occurrences? Family sticks together, but are all brothers and sister?


Hello, everyone! This story starts right after the episode Goodnight Sweet Charlotte. Hereafter this could become a sort of AU, but it shouldn't stray so much away, mostly insert quite a long pause between that moment and the following episodes. I wrote what I'd have liked to see, especially being a Lou fan, to give her the right amount of attention before the proposal. I hope you will like it. Please, let me know what you think about it and feel free to leave any kind of feedback, I don't need many words, even a smile :) is appreciated and it shouldn't take so long, alright? But if you are inspired who am I to stop your flow? So, thank you in advance and enjoy.

As always, I own nothing except my thankfulness to the kind people who reward me with their precious reviews.

_Thoughts - _ "dialogue"

Good morning, sweet Lou

_Charlotte... dear Charlotte. I miss you so much. I owe you so much. How could I refuse my help this time right when you needed me? Now I won't ever be able to repay you for your precious friendship back then. I'm so, so sorry. Now you're gone, right now, when a chance, your chance to be happy was finally arising. __I won't see your bright smile again; Travis won't see it, too. __He seemed so happy, so truly in love with you. Everything happened so fast. But why all this had to happen in the first place?_

Lou stayed quite a long time in front of Charlotte's grave, waiting for the time Teaspoon would allow her to see Travis, asking herself so many questions, till causing herself a throbbing headache. It took the marshal almost an hour to find the undertaker to take care of Wicks and then interrogate Travis. Crying her eyes out all this time didn't help, but for once she was almost sure it was only the beginning of a long course of tears. Almost staggering while trying to regain some kind of composure, Lou moved toward the marshal's office, ready to talk to Travis, nursing a tiny hope to find a relief for her suffering soul.

She carefully listened to his reasoning for his deed, finding out he didn't regret at all what happened, both with Charlotte and Wicks. She found herself even smiling a little when she heard him wondering whether Charlotte knew he loved her and did her best to reassure the man.

_He is really a good man, he would have made you so happy, Charlotte. He is just the kind of guy you felt right to be on your side, a little shy, somewhat clumsy, but indeed good, generous, forgiving and totally devoted. You would have made a nice couple. I wasn't sure when he came to me to ask for the permission to date you, but now I can see it, bright as the sun._

When she finally got up she started to realize what all this meant to her. Her dear friend Charlotte was dead, Travis was in jail, but at least Wicks was dead, too. Indeed not a joyful day, but Lou, stepping out the marshal's office, watched out as it was a new day. She felt as a huge and constant weight had been lifted from her shoulders, as she could finally breathe again after Charlotte showed up, as what happened in her past was finally a page she could turn and overcome..

Then she saw Kid walking toward the corral. There was just one thing she had to do to before making her peace. She had to be sincere with him, she felt like she owed him... he cared so much, he was so worried, he had even tried to talk to Charlotte... yes, he deserved the truth, from her mouth.

"Hey," Lou greeted Kid, trying to keep her voice with the usual timbre.

"Hey," he brightly answered.

"Mind if I join you?" she asked huskily.

"Sure," Kid answered, instantly fighting to keep hidden his deep worry from his voice, knowing after a brief glance sideways toward her red-rimmed eyes that something had to be very wrong.

She barely looked at him.

"Ready to talk, Kid."

"You don't' have to."

"I want to."

"Then I'm ready to listen."

They made few steps when she stopped in her tracks.

"I... I just need something from the barn, then… can we go out of the town?" Lou asked, her voice sounding cracked and nervous.

Kid simply nodded.

"Got a place you feel safe?" he said with a low voice.

"Not a place…" she answered, just briefly glancing toward the side where he was, making him smile, "but can we ride away, maybe toward the pond, if it's ok for you?"

After a stop at the barn they took Katy and Lightening and quietly rode out. He was looking at her face, her eyes clouded with sorrow and shame.

When they reached the pond she started to feel nervous and didn't make any attempt to move. So Kid dismounted first, then he held a hand to Lou, waiting for some time before lowering it again at his side.

She never saw his hand, she seemed completely lost in her thoughts. She was still for a couple of minutes, then she took a little bag from the saddle and slid down, slowly stepping toward the pond. He grabbed the reins of both horses, blocking them on a low branch and reached her near the water, silently sitting on her side. She was intensely staring at the water, her shoulder tense, her elbows planted on her knees, her knuckles white for the tightness of her fists pushing against her temples.

"Lou, what's on your mind?"

"I don't know how to start."

"From the beginning could be easier, ain't it the best place to start?"

"Yeah, sure, you0re right, I know... but I also know that this is not going to be easy at all… I'm so scared, Kid."

She looked at him, trying to find an assurance in his eyes.

"Scared of what?" he asked feeling her anxiety.

"Of making you hate me," she turned her eyes back to the water, slumping her shoulders.

"This won't ever happen, I can promise you, you've got my word."

Kid hurried to reassure Lou, moving his hand to her shoulder trying to reinforce his words, surprised when he felt her shivering at the light touch before she bolted up to move forward, reaching her fingers to lightly touch the water's surface, as she was needing some other sensation to reassure herself of the reality of the situation. Then she stepped back, almost to the same place she was before, just remaining up.

"How can you promise before listening to what I have to say?"

"'Cause you have nothing to say, if you don't want, and nothing's gonna change for me about you, I'm just worried about you… you know that, don't you?"

Kid was starting to feel anxiety gnawing at his gut, but he knew he couldn't push her, she was already having a very hard time from what he could see; he wanted nothing more than envelope her in a tight hug and make her forget all about what was making her so sad and nervous, but he knew he had to give her time and space, she was really trying her best to talk to him. He just couldn't even start to guess what was all that about that had Lou this tongue tied.

"Well, I truly hope with all my heart you're right, but now… just listen," she said sitting down.

He was going to shift to sit near her, but she moved a little further toward the pond and raised her hand as to halt him. Soon her heard her voice, barely above a whisper.

"I... I'm sorry... I thought you would sit with you back against the tree, like always. It's not that I don't want you near me, but... I don't know if I can tell you what I've got to say and be looking at you at the same time, so... please sit back there where you are, it's already so hard… and I've not even started yet."

He got the message and stilled his movements, given her the physical space she seemed to need. He had never felt like that before, his heart was crushed by her voice so choking with fear and shame. He had never heard her voice so trembling and insecure.

_Oh, Lou, what's wrong? Don't you know you can tell me anything? Nothing can make my feelings for you change, I'm not gonna make the same mistake a second time. I was a fool, I'm not going to lose you another time, nothing you can do or say can change it, nothing in the past, in the present or in the future can make stop trying my best to make you happy. You will have to ask me to step out from your life if you want me out, but you will have to be more bull-headed than me, 'cause I'm not gonna let you win easily. Both our chances at happiness are at stake, mine is linked with yours, so please, please, don't worry, talk to me, we can work everything out together. Trust me, you're the one for me, you don't need to worry about driving me away, never mind making me hate you, that's simply impossible._

She opened the bag she had brought and some photos appeared, when she started to talk.

"After I left the orphanage, I ended up wandering in Saint Jo. I knew I needed a job and I hoped to find one in the same place where my brother and sister were, so I could visit them from time to time. I asked everywhere, ready to do everything, but no-one would have a not yet twelve-year old scrawny little girl helping around. I just found few one-day small jobs, but unfortunately not even every day. I got used to eat once a day, often asking for leftovers from a restaurant or a saloon, helping to clean the tables in return even if it was in the middle of the night or ever later, but I couldn't care less about it being surely not right nor proper for a girl so young. When I turned twelve there was no difference in my life. Fortunately I wasn't growing too fast, so the clothes I had from the orphanage still fit me. But after the summer and the fall I still had no steady job, nor a place to go. Time passed by and it started to be colder and colder."

Lou shivered, as feeling again the cold of that time.

"It was a bad winter and I really needed a place to stay indoors, something to eat, somewhere to work, any kind of job would have worked for me. Wicks found me one day, well, one night. I was almost frozen. I had actually found an empty stall in the local stable, but the hay didn't help so much to keep the cold away, so my teeth-chattering gave me away. He looked down at me and I felt like under a scrutiny. Then he smiled. He gave me his coat and said he'd give me a job, a good and easy one. With a nice and warm place to stay. He seemed gentle and caring, he was nice to me, a little mousy girl with nothing. He took me to a big house. It was truly warm. He gave me a job, doing some laundry."

Lou shivered again, making Kid wonder where this story was going to end. Her voice, when she was talking about that Wicks man, was not her normal deep and quiet one; it sounded more like the one of the small young girl she had to be when she first met that man, like she was twelve years old again.

This was worrying more and more Kid, he still got on his mind Lou aiming at the man, pretending to be ready to murder him, even though he knew right there and then that she was absolutely sure she had no more bullets to shot.

_She is always so accurate and precise, she had to have counted the shots, she had to be sure they were over; I really can't find a sensible explanation to what she was about to do other than she was just trying to scare the hell out of him, but why? Why did she believe it was necessary to go to any length just to have some sort of revenge? What could be that bad? Even with her father, and only God knows how much pain she had to bear from him during her childhood, she did not seem that venomous. She had to hate that Wicks with her whole gut. _

Lou took a deep breath before going on and tried to relax her shoulders, since she had started to tighten herself into a small ball, curling up, holding her knees against her chest and lowering her head until her chin was touching her knees. She knew she had to force herself to speak loud enough for Kid to hear her the first time, since she didn't feel she had the strength to repeat a single word a second time.

"It was awhile before I even started to understand what kinda place it was. It was a large building, like a very big house, with many windows and balconies, with curtains everywhere from the first floor up and streaming with light in the dining area. There was a bunch of ladies working there. At the beginning I thought it was some new kind of hotel, providing also entertainment during the evening meal, since some girls were dancing at dinner time and they had bright, colourful dresses. A girl, named Lisa, came near to greet me as soon as I entered following Wicks. He told her to take care of me, settle me somewhere and explain me my laundry job, then he left without even turning once to look at me. I didn't know if I had already done something wrong, but Lisa comforted me immediately, bringing me to a small room at the end of the second floor, telling me to always lock the door when I turned in and not mind whatever I could hear all night long, not the voices nor anything else. I was too tired and confused to ask any questions, so, after having a bite for dinner, I went immediately to sleep, to be ready to start my work the next day at the first light of dawn. Lisa took a deep, instant liking on me and we spent a lot of time together, when she wasn't working and I wasn't washing all the sheets and the dresses and the underwear. But I still had no idea of what kind of place I was staying in. Lisa did her best to make me feel at ease and keep me cheerful, saying that a girl like me should always have a reason to smile. She had an admirer who was a photographer, a quiet and nice young man, so she made him take these pictures of me. She taught me how to do some acrobatics, she had so much fun in this, since I was little and lightweight. I learnt the split, the handstand and the handspring, the cartwheel, some other manoeuvres and so on. She had this idea that if I learnt these moves I could work entertaining customers just being on the stage, not needing to go upstairs. I didn't understand it, but I found it fun, so I didn't complain learning. Besides, she used to treat me like a pretty doll, making me feel special, since I never got treated that way, not even when my mother was still with us, me being the oldest: she brushed my hair, she also applied some light make up, she made my hair with curls and ribbons, see it?"

Lou picked one of the photographs and moved her arm backward to give it to Kid, without turning her head, thus being able to avoid his eyes.

Kid took the picture and silently watched it, wondering why her voice sounded so very sad even when she was talking about having some fun during that time in the big house.

"I used to have long hair, I loved it and all the girls liked a lot to play with me like with a doll, brushing my hair and testing new hairdos, it made all of us forget about the place we were."

Lou sighed and was silent for a while, so Kid dared to speak.

"You look beautiful in here, you were then when you were ... what, twelve? and you certainly still are. You sure had long hair, I had tried many times to picture you younger and with long hair, but I wouldn't have guessed such a pretty little girl."

Kid couldn't help to say that, she was really beautiful in his eyes, now more than ever.

_She chose to sacrifice and hide her beauty to work her own way in this world, passing as a boy… but why, again? What made this cute girl forget about her long tresses and start masking as a boy?_

He couldn't really guess, as well as he was completely unaware that at the moment some tears were already pooling in Lou's eyes, but she blinked them stubbornly back till she could speak again. She was silent, not acknowledging his words, seemingly ignoring his praise, being focused on her effort to complete her story, well aware instead that the worst had yet to come.

"Luckily for Lisa, sometime later she ran away with her photographer, leaving behind her only these pictures. Wicks stopped all our pastimes as a general punishment for having lost one of his best girls. Then Charlotte was the only one who was still nice to me. Her... and Wicks, in some way. He always smiled at me, in a funny way I have to admit, but back then I wasn't able to guess what his stare meant. I never understood why Charlotte and the other girls hated him so much. 'Til one night... about a year later…" Lou wanted to continue, but her voice was broken.

She had worked so long on trying to put the memory of that moment, that horrible spectre behind her. Charlotte told her to forget that night, but for the first months after that night she wasn't able to sleep, she always had terrible nightmares and woke up screaming. But she had to go on, till the end, to break finally free. She fought against herself to fill her lungs with air, she felt like she was choking, the emotions were heavy on her chest, but she needed to speak and therefore she had to breathe and fisting her hands even tighter than before she resumed her memory.

"I... heard his steps coming toward my room. I... he had never come on the second floor, I couldn't understand why he was there, but suddenly I felt such a fear I never felt before, so I instinctively curled up near the bed, trying to hide, to avoid him, hoping my heart beating wasn't too loud, 'cause I felt like it could be heard even outside. Then he started knocking on the door and I stayed as still as I could, afraid even too breathe not to break the silence. But he had the key... and he entered."

With a gulp, Lou started sobbing and crying, but didn't quit talking.

"I... was... hoping... and imagining... to be... somewhere else... anywhere else... miles away... from that room... He was... just too big... too strong... too frightening... He slapped me... hard... knocking me... over the floor... I... I didn't... know why... I was simply... scared to death... I closed my eyes tight... trying to imagine... a safe place... He grabbed me... and whispered... "You're... growing up, Louise… quite nicely... I must admit..." He went... back to the door... and locked it again... then he moved again... toward me... I couldn't see... a place to hide... anyway it was no use... Wicks grabbed me back... and pulled me to the bed... I was stiff as a stone... so he said... "Don't make me... hurt you..." I was on the bed... terrified... but I could sense... as he moved... toward me, slowly... So I started fighting... with all my strength... but it wasn't enough... He was so annoyed... that he slapped me... and punched me... till I saw... everything going black... I felt a moment of quiet... no more pain... probably I was out cold... Then I woke up... at a searing pain... He… oh God... I can't!"

Her voice broke, she burst out sobbing, she was violently shaking and gasping as she needed some air to breathe but couldn't find enough.

That moment Kid could only wish that Wicks had suffered as much as possible dying. His fists tightened till his knuckles went white, his jaw was hard as never before and he had to close his eyes not to cry them out in his pain for that little, innocent girl. Then he came back to his level-headed self, reasoning that this way he could scare Lou even more and make her misunderstand his mind, so he regained some control over himself. Kid wanted to stop all this, wanted to pull her in his lap, holding her tight in his arms and made her feel safe from everything bad in the world, trying to protect her at least from the memory of that awful, hideous day, but her back was so shaken up by sobs he feared she could get scared from his hug, feeling trapped again, so he just put his hand tentatively on her shoulder. She stiffened at the beginning, appearing ready to recoil like a shy kitten being approached, then she simply went on shivering, so Kid dared tightening his hold with tenderness, to let her know he was there, no matter what.

After what seemed something like an eternity her sobs started to subside and she resumed her account, still in the same position, curled up like a small ball.

"I felt so scared and suddenly tired that I simply couldn't move, but I was still conscious, so I heard his voice... He told me that now I could start my real job, I was ready and I couldn't do anything else anyway. Who would want a girl like me, after that? I was worthless, but I was young and many customers would have appreciated it, so he could make good money out of me. I was wishing to die at that very moment. After Wicks finally disappeared, I had no idea how long was it, Charlotte came to check on me, having suspected for a while Wicks' intention. She helped me the best she could and the next day she snuck me out, even took me to a doctor, then got me a ticket on the stage to St. Louis. She told me to go as far as I could, to forget all of it, that I was young and I could still make it. Soon as I got there, I bought some clothes and a knife. Then I ran outside the town, trying to find somewhere quiet, and there I cut off all my hair and change my clothes. That's when I started dressin' like a boy. Figured it was safer that way."

She had done it, finally. She let her arms slide from her knees to her sides until she could touch the ground around her, to have proof that this was truly happening, she was simply telling her past nightmare and it was over, so she could breathe again, but another kind of fear grabbed her guts, closing her throat: _what now? Will he hate me?_ She couldn't believe anyone would want to be close to her now. So she curled up again, even tighter if possible, just like in her account, and

started again sobbing. Kid saw this and this time he couldn't help pulling her toward him. He made her sit across his lap, rocking her gently, her body violently shivering, until her breathing changed rhythm. He stopped when she raised her head, with her lovely face, pale as never before apart the red spots under her eyes, on her cheeks and her tiny nose, her huge and deep chocolate eyes to face him, to search his expression, to discover his feelings about her, but careful to avoid any direct contact with his eyes: she was terrified, but he was sure about what she would find. She seemed surprised he was almost calm: no hardened jaw, no pursed lips. Still, she needed to hear his words.

"Aren't you sick of me? How can you still want to touch me? Don't you hate me now?"

"No, I don't, I couldn't ever. Lou, you have to know how I feel about you, we are friends above all and this is not going to change anyway. Think about Travis, he loved Charlotte for who she was, not where she came from, you heard him."

"Were you there? Did you hear what we said?"

"I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to eavesdrop, I was just concerned about you, I didn't want you to be hurt anymore."

"Are you sure you're not disgusted? Please, tell me now if you are, I can't wait another time to face the truth, don't mislead me, I need to know right now," a newly sobbing Lou uttered.

"I'm not trying to mislead you, you know, I couldn't ever do something like this, I'm telling you the truth, I don't hate you, I could never feel anything bad about you, believe me. We are friends, right? Very special, close friends."

A pair of clear, sadly smiling but caring, blue eyes tried to lock with hers, lifting her chin up with a delicate finger, to comfort her, to assure her of his feelings, not knowing himself exactly what they were. He hugged her tight, as much as he dared, and she rested her head on his shoulder as he started again to rock them both.

_How could she ever believe I would be disgusted with her? I think she is great, amazing, so strong, so brave, so warm despite all the trouble she had been through during her short life. I thought I had problems growing up, but they are nothing in front of her problems. She had to fight, her father, that Wicks, she is truly... amazing, I can't think anything different of her. How can she think she is less than worthy of my utmost admiration? I am honoured to be her friend, I'd like to show her how she appears to my eyes, I know the boys feel the same, and Rachel and Teaspoon, too. I know she's special, she is one hell of a woman, she is... words can't be enough... I wish I didn't waste my chance with her, she's more than a nice and pretty lady, she is... Lou, how can I make you see what you are to me? Now, I deeply regret when I wasn't able to appreciate your being too confident and daring for my taste, now I see it was important to you, it had a reason behind your stubbornness, it wasn't simply about wanting to do things your way. And now I can only start to guess how hard for you was to let me come near you, to touch you... _

"Now I understand much more of you," he softly added, trying to drift her mind away from her past, "I was blind to many things in your behaviour, I simply thought it was a girl's normal acting."

"Like what?" she asked, with her deep voice, now even deeper after the long, exhausting crying.

"When I found out you were a girl I fell for you that exact moment, just a breath away from the instant I learnt your name, while I wasn't really able to read you. You kissed me to thank me for keeping your secret and I started watching you, 'cause I had to know whether you reciprocated my feelings. After some time you started to seem attracted to me, but at the same time you pushed me away as if you were scared. So I wasn't sure about your feelings. The same goes for our first kisses, I felt like touching Heaven, then you always started to recoil if they lasted a little longer than you thought fit, or at least that was I thought about it at the time. Then, on our first night together at Redfern, you started to cry after we… you know, so I simply didn't know what to think, I guessed I had done something wrong. But afterwards you seemed much more sure of yourself, of us, too. Now I believe I can start to understand why you changed so much after that."

_Wow, he is really talking to me, still, and he is reminiscing about us, actually, no less than our time together. I don't know if I'm ready to talk about this, I... I think I need time... I know my feelings for you, Kid, never changed, so if this talk is not going where I would love for it to go you could really crush my heart and my whole self with nothing more than the wrong look in your eyes. Please, please, don't go too far too soon, just say we are friends, good, special friends, but nothing more, I couldn't take it right now if you don't want me. It is more than I could hope for that you want us still to be friends, so now don't step back, please._

Taking a deep breath Lou collected some thoughts to compose some sort of an answer.

"Well... at the beginning I was just trying as much as I could to keep my secret... after you discovered me, I was simply feeling elated by the look I sometimes believed to catch in your eyes, but I didn't feel worthy of you when we were close, that's why I tried to push you away, but then you won my heart and made all the walls I worked on building in order to protect and shield myself and my feelings crumble. But at the same time I had to fight with myself to keep these terrifying memories out of my mind while we were together."

"I have to tell you something, Lou. You constantly surprise me somehow. I thought I knew you, my friend, but almost every day I find something about you that leaves me speechless. I'm amazed by your strength and sheer will, as well as your cleverness and beauty," he said smiling, trying to make her smile, but keeping things plain, calling her friend. Her eyes were still twinkling with tears and avoiding his stare and no smile seemed able to form on her lips nor reach her eyes. Once again his praise didn't show its effect on her features.

"Are you true to me? I'm so… how can you still want to be near me and be my friend? How can you stand be so close to me and touch me? I was…you know it, now," she sadly stated, lowering her head.

"I understood what he did to you, but he's dead now, and he's not going to bother you anymore. I know he made you feel small, and maybe… dirty, but you are not like that to me, you are Lou, the puny rider that I had the privilege to discover was a tough girl, the same girl everybody at the station had learnt to love and admire for her skills, since she is as good as any of us, if not better than some, to sit on a saddle, to shoot and to work as a rider. I know I tried more than once to protect you, even from yourself, and I swear it was not for lack of confidence in your ability, I was honestly scared about even considering the chance something could happen to you. But the truth is that whenever we, all we big boys, are on a ride with you, we try to protect you like a little sister; then, I still can't wrap my mind about it, it turns out that it's you that makes us stay and feel safe, you are careful and always think before react... and you know how to help us whenever one of us needs a shoulder. Who helped Buck after Ike's death, Cody after Hezekiah's, me after Doritha's? And I know it had to be hard for you doing that, but you did it all the same. And what about Rachel? Rachel needs you, at least as much as you need her. And when we need advice or comfort after something happens, especially with girls? Hickok, Buck, Ike, Noah, even Cody came to you. You see how precious you are to all of us? Even our wise Teaspoon, don't you see how protective himself has become toward you, trying not to give you the worst and most dangerous runs, in order to protect his girl rider? And sweating not to let you sniff it, otherwise he better be ready to run like hell himself, 'cause nothing in this world could protect him from the wrath of Lou? What else can I say to make you see? Don't you see it?" he replied smiling, trying to fill her deep scared eyes with his conviction.

_Oh Lou, why are your eyes still so desperate? I know, I'm not so good with words, never been, I just don't know what else I could say to try make this all better. _

Then he suddenly knew the way to make her believe.

_No need for words. Let actions speak louder than words. A simple gesture of friendship. The first one that sealed our friendship._

He moved his arms around her shoulders, then held her tight and gently kissed her cheek, like the first time she kissed him to say thank you for keeping her secret, not backing off until she finally calmed down and relaxed into his arms. She lowered her head against his chest and closed her eyes, deeply sighing; she didn't dare look him in his eyes yet, but she didn't withdraw. She moved her arms from her sides to loosely wrap them his waist; when he didn't move she started embracing him tightly to let him know she was grateful. He felt a new happiness growing inside his soul and lowered his lips near her forehead, brushing soft caresses and light kisses over and over.

_I know this is a little beyond normal friendship, but right now I don't care, I just hope I'm not scaring her away, but this feels so right to me and she seems finally calmer than before, so it shouldn't be too wrong. And maybe it was right for me, too, to do this, I know I have to get a head start around my feelings, I have to understand what I really want for me and for any future 'us', but right now I can't picture anyone else than Lou by my side, I think she could truly be the one for me, I just need to really see how unbelievably amazing she is and to learn that I can't simply take some of her without some other parts that don't sit too well with me. Now that I know more of her past, I can better see why there are these parts of her too, she needed them in order to survive and protect herself. But now she is no more alone, she doesn't need to fight all the time, she's got us, all of us. And now I feel like my world is again in place, since she is part of my world, well, a quite important part of it, do I dare to be honest and say she's a huge part of it? However, now she is back to me, she is here, next to me, in my arms right now, with no more walls nor secrets. So, I just need to accept and become conscious of my feelings. But before me, I need only one more thing, to look at her in her eyes, to make her forget her shame and fear. Lou, you have no reason, you are wonderful the way you are._

He delicately moved one finger to touch her chin, to turn her head. She wasn't still able to look at him and kept her eyes low. He called her name.

"Lou."

She shut her eyes tight.

"Lou, look at me, please," Kid begged, he wanted to show her she had no reason to avoid his eyes.

When he saw a lone tear sliding down her cheek, he brushed it with his thumb and put a delicate, kind, loving kiss on the tip of her nose, causing her eyes to open wide. More than few tears were still pooling in her eyes. He sweetly smiled, caressing her cheek with the back of his hand. Their eyes were locked on each other and he kept going on with his caresses until she tentatively smiled back. He held her tight again, to let her know how happy he was seeing her smiling again.

After a while they stood up, knowing it was time to get back to the station. Kid saddled Lightening first, then took both of Lou's hands in his before speaking.

"Remember what you told me first when I told you I was feeling lonely as never before? I'm not going anywhere, I'll always be here for you, alright?"

Lou nodded, not trusting her voice yet.

"Lou, if you even need to talk to me, come to me, I'll always be ready to listen, okay?"

She put the pictures back in the bag and climbed on Lightening.

"And well, I hope the same can go for me, too. Maybe I need some time to collect all the questions I have for you, especially about those pictures," he said smiling, trying to widen her smile while grabbing Katy's saddle.

"Now you've got all the world's time," she whispered and smiled back. Kid quickly saddled and mounted Katy; with no more words they moved toward home.

When they reached the station they found Teaspoon coming toward the bunkhouse calling for the boys. They dismounted in front of the bunkhouse porch.

"Come out everybody. I need a rider right now for the Army, any volunteer?" he asked.

"I'm ready, I'll go, Lightening is still quite rested" a quick Lou answered, catching the letter from Teaspoon's hand.

Everyone could see how much she had cried. Saying that her eyes were puffy and red-rimmed was a clear understatement, they were almost half closed and even her cheeks were swollen.

"Are you sure? Want someone with you?" a quite worried Teaspoon replied.

"Nope, I really think some time on my own is the best thing for me now… Teaspoon, I'm so sorry for the way I… I just wasn't ready to talk." Lou lowered her eyes to the ground, moving Teaspoon to hug his girl, the one person he honestly loved like a daughter. He engulfed the small girl in his bear hug, hoping to make her feel his love.

"Don't you even spare a moment worrying about it, I was just concerned about you."

"Are you alright now?" a quite troubled Jimmy asked, having heard what happened during his ride.

"Sure… well, I'll soon be, I think." Lou glanced toward Rachel and Kid, finally settling her eyes on the latter. "Can you do me a favour? Will you tell them what's wrong with me, please? I don't think I can do it another time," Lou asked barely watching Kid, "you can take these, maybe it won't seem so bad", half smiling and jumping on her horse.

"If you want, I'll do" Kid replied, trying to catch her eyes to make sure she was alright enough.

"Thanks, see you," she yelled, already moving her horse.

"Ride safe," almost in choir they all answered.

Cody was running crazy with curiosity, when Kid invited all of them to move into the bunkhouse. He and Rachel simply told Teaspoon and the boys what happened to Lou some years before, when she was still a little girl. All the eyes around the table were soon glistening with tears. After a while they started to react at the news: the first was Jimmy, who angrily hit the table with his fist and then raised to start pacing across the room. He hoped Wicks wasn't already dead to get the chance to make him pay for what he did to Lou. Kid was watching him carefully and understood a lot about his feelings for Lou. Buck and Noah were also deeply hit by the news, having both of them closely known a woman who had to endure the same thing as Lou... but their Lou had been only a small, delicate, very young girl, if not still a child, so everything seemed even worse, if possible. Teaspoon just brushed a hand across his face as to erase the sorrow and some almost invisible tears which threatened to roll down his cheeks. Cody was simply speechless, for once not able to find one thing to say to raise the mood of the group, needing himself some comfort.

Trying to shift all their minds Kid pulled out the pictures of a younger Lou, with long hair and girl's clothes, explaining the reason why they were taken.

In the first picture Lou had beautiful, really long, till her waist, waved auburn hair, brushed by a girl, well, a young woman, they recognized being Charlotte, standing at her back with her bright smile. Lou was also happily smiling, she appeared relaxed and at her ease. Rachel was not even slightly surprised at the boys' reaction: they were stunned in silence, having a hard time in putting together the image of their Lou and that young, smiling and, above all, really feminine Louise. Teaspoon could not help a sigh, letting the corner of his mouth pull his face into a wide smile, shaking his head in appreciation of Louise's gracefulness, but pretty soon lowering his gaze at the thought of his girl giving up everything to hide and protect herself, yet looking for a way to earn something to take her siblings out of the orphanage as soon as possible.

In the end he just said "She is one of a kind, our Lou."

In the second picture young Louise had a light make up, which caused her eyes seem even bigger and deeper, her sweet but catching smile highlighted by her deep pink lips, attractive as never before, while her long hair was half on her back and half in curls tied up with a big ribbon; she was wearing a quite sexy dress, although not too revealing, but what hit mostly all of them was her position: she was doing a split on the counter, with Lisa preparing some drinks and smiling at Lou and other girls behind her, but every glance from the boys was for her, only her, the rest merely a background to her beauty.

Jimmy was immediately swept up in a memory: the time when they went to rescue the man Kid had brought to the law, ending himself behind the bars; if not for Lou, they had had no way to get a chance to set him free. And that was the time when Lou had to wear the clothes of a waitress and saloon girl, something so much like what she was wearing in the picture. But, well, when he saw her in the flesh, she was even prettier, being no more a child, but a lovely girl promising to make a beautiful young woman.

Buck, always aware of his surrounding, was quick to catch up on Jimmy's look. He touched his elbow and simply called his attention back to the present.

"Don't go there, my brother, I saw her, too, that time, and had a hard time in remembering how to breathe and finding something to say since my mouth dropped open, too, but that is in the past, so now let some air in and out, in and out, go on." Buck clapped his hand on Hickok's back, laughing softly at his expenses.

Kid's jaw instantly tightened at the same memory, while Buck shortly explained, mostly for Cody's sake, who could not tolerate to be kept in the dark about something having Jimmy so flustered, which episode they were as collectively as indubitably thinking about.

Teaspoon was the one to say something more on a topic evidently disturbing for Kid.

"Well, we all have learnt that when Lou sets her mind on something there's nothing to keep her back, not even herself or her past. She surely had had a hell of a time wearing that dress, no matter how often she repeated to herself that it was a precious chance to wear a dress and that it was just it, a dress. This had to be really important to her to go this far."

Kid already knew how brave and how selfless was Lou, did not really need any reminding.

_And you don't know what she had to do to make that jerk go to see her that night. I had to see it and I had to fight with myself not to say something. I remember the itching in my hands when he was touching her. He had no right, yet he had no restraint about her. She was so beautiful, even in that suggestive dress. And she did all that just for me, she risked her life and her safety for the likes of me. Oh, Lou, will I ever be able to thank you enough? To make it up to you?_

Rachel caught on Kid's pensive mood and reached for another picture. The third one showed Lou making a handspring, dressed with a divided skirt tightened on her ankles not to uncover her splitting legs, resting her back on Lisa's legs, leaned down on the platform to keep the position for the time needed for the photograph. Her long plaits reached her hands and she had an innocent, childlike smile.

Cody was amazed by the agility of his female bunkmate and his eyes seemed ready to pop out.

"I really need to see this thing with my own eyes!"

Hickok slapped his head.

"Well, you are, aren't you?"

"No, I mean, Lou actually doing this in front of me. It is amazing!"

"I wonder if she is still able to pull a stunt like this, but I would surely love to see it!"

Buck couldn't help adding his two cents in the conversation, bringing to two the number of the boys interested in Lou's acrobatic skills, number that kept on growing till everybody agreed on the possibility of asking Lou about showing what she learnt back then.

The fourth and last picture was a portrait of Lisa and Charlotte with their favourite living doll, Louise, with her hair loosened, running down her chest, framing her beautiful face, making more evident her deep and wide eyes and her delicate, but always smiling lips.

Even after seeing all her previous pictures, this one managed to steal their breath away: all the boys stared a lot on this last one, clearly all in love with that girl.

Yet, only Cody had the gut to admit it, though passing it as a joke, audibly sighing. "I think I'm in love!"

Jimmy was again the one to dignify him with an answer.

"Right, but this time you stand no chance at all: she knows you, she hears you snoring almost every night and she sees how much food you are able to shovel down your throat, just to mention your more charming features!"

Teaspoon made them move up, calling them to do chores. Kid noticed he wasn't the only one dreaming of Lou; he felt pretty lucky to have been her special friend almost right from the beginning, when she was so shy and bashful, he tried not to over think about the closeness during their break up with Jimmy; but he started to become more and more aware that she had a lot of choices if he proved not to be enough worthy of her love. He had definitely competition.

The evening came quite soon and during supper all the boys planned a surprise for Lou: they wanted to collect her pictures in a sort of book, carving subtle frames they could then bind like the pages in a journal. Teaspoon gave his blessing to let them skip some chores to have the time on the next day to realized their project; and they did it quite well, therefore feeling proud enough and satisfied with the outcome. When the third day arrived, the day Lou was due back in the evening, in the late morning they saw Lou appear and even before stopping near the corral she heard them screaming. They wanted to be all there to welcome her back home.

"Good morning! Welcome back! We missed you!"

She felt pulled down from her saddle and before having time to catch her breath she was enveloped by all the boys, who, one after the other, hugged her tight, whispering in her ear their greetings. They all tried to say with different words how precious she was the them, looking for the right words to make her feel special, each one relying upon their so different personalities to come out with a unique choice of greeting.

"Hi, beautiful."

"Hey, sweetie."

"Morning, darling."

"Hi, pretty."

"Hey, honey."

She was amazed by their warm welcome back and willingly threw her arms around every rider's neck.

Rachel was also there to hug her, with tears in her eyes when she noticed how touched was Lou by their greetings.

Then Teaspoon showed up, claiming his time to hold the girl rider.

"Come here, my sweet, puny rider! You know how much we all love you? "

Teaspoon held her so tight she wasn't able to breathe.

"Teaspoon, I love you too, but I can't breathe!"

"Oh, sorry. Lou, I'm sorry for everything, I just wish there could be fewer monsters and more strong and marvellous people like you, sweetheart."

"Thanks, Teaspoon."

"Alright, now go clean up and rest, someone will tend to your horse."

Teaspoon finally released his precious girl from his arms and slapped her shoulder to make her move, and he hinted to get lost also to the boys before his again-glistening eyes started to release some emotional tears before he started toward his way.


End file.
